That moment of nothing but pure sadness when you realise that it's just another unrequited crush that would amount to nothing no matter how hard you want something to happen.
It happened yesterday. When you walked past where i was seated and didn't notice me. When i walked past your class and you didn't even noticed me. Then i realised that my crush on you was just another little schoolgirl crush on someone i dont even know. This can't go on.
It isn't even anymore to be honest.
The rush of feelings of happiness of seeing you is gone.
This always happens. With crushes. With people. I no longer have it.
I tire easily nowadays in school. Maybe it's the people.
3 more months then i'll be done.
Then i'll no longer know anybody.
Maybe i can start afresh. But how do i go about doing that?
It's hard to change your way to thinking but maybe i can do it.
I want to do it.
I'm afraid i'll end up in a course or in a school where i can't relate to anyone and it'll just be primary and secondary school all over again.
Where's that one person who's supposed to be my best friend till the end of time?
I'm looking for them. Where are they?
I need them here, now.
I've never been so aware of the gripping feeling of loneliness till now. Where do i go to talk about my problems to? I realise now no one wants to listen to me talk. Is it because i'm boring? In fact, i've been aware that i am to most people. I always assumed though, that they don't mind being bored to death by me. Yet now its made so blatantly obvious by people they don't give to cents fuck to listen to me speak. So do i just keep mum about everything i'm feeling, everything i know, basically everything? Why do i always end up feeling like i'm wearing a mask of happiness in school. No one sees past the smiles and my 'loudness' and my appearance of being a snob.
No one sees that i am on the verge of tears whenever i feel guilty over something and that's almost every single fucking day with you.
I like being alone but loneliness can kill.
Anyway, at this moment of time in life with O's, a friend is what i need.
I hate myself whenever i talk bad about people but i can't help it. I try not to sometimes but when the awkward silence between you and me reappear, i bring up such topics just so we could talk. Then i feel guilty and i hate it. I hate myself for feeling such things.
Why should i be guilty for saying such things about them when they've clearly wronged me more so than often? Maybe it's because i know i'm at wrong at times too.
Urgh, i hate myself. This whole blog post doesn't make sense. I hate myself for being inadequate at writing. I hate myself for being unable to feel proper when i talk to people. I hate myself for not feeling right when i talk to people.
For your information, even though i know you'll never see this, I dont show affection or my liking for someone because i dont want to bring the wall down. It'll just hurt more when the wall goes down. If it's already hurting now, it'll be like an instant stab to the heart when i do something wrong. Or when you do. I don't like to risk friendships. I don't like taking risks in fact.
I'm a coward.
I need to grow up.
Or maybe i just need a friend who gets me.
Someone who will spaz over the same bands, the same actors and movies, get my inside jokes, listen to me talk and rant and understand my silence.
Someone who won't make me feel inferior or alone.
Someone who will pick up the phone when i call.
Someone who will drop everything when i need them.
A friend. The best friend.
Where are you?
